HOW TO REALLY SNEAK INTO FASHION WEEK
Recently a certain weekly Toronto magazine (which we love) published a fashion piece with the mouth-watering title, “How To Sneak into Fashion Week.” The idea that one could creep into a fashion event by “on-trending” yourself is cute but of course is about as on-point as an alcoholic assuming they can just walk out of the LCBO without paying for their bottle of cheap sherry. Plus, if you can afford the $400 pair of shades mentioned in the article then you better bloody well be supporting our struggling fashion industry by buying a ticket (or two).
Besides, the security guards have seen all these faux fashion sneak attacks before. You won’t be fooling any one. Instead, shake things up a bit. You’ve got one day left! Follow the Mean Gayz How To Really Sneak Into Fashion Week Guide and you’ll be guaranteed access faster than an uppity newbie blogger can say, “Gee, these free drinks are really weak.”
1) ALEXANDER WASN’T THE ONLY QUEEN. No one turns away royalty. If you’re going to be dressing your poor sad self up in labels that you know nothing about you might as well just pretend to be something else all together. Pretend you’re in-bred, blue blood, brain dead royalty.
Action Plan: Do a bit of research beforehand. Pick a ruling family that heads some small principality that no one has heard of. To achieve that “Fresh-Off-The-Throne” look go to any costume shop like Malabar. But to achieve a more “Hellio-Hellio-Don’t-Touch-Me-Hellio” glamorous state dinner look, hit up Toronto’s new king of embroidered opulence, Lucian Matis. Practice your mini wave, and never look anyone in the eye. For a more realistic look, hire some bodyguards from Craigslist.
2) EBI (EMERGENCY BOTOX INJECTOR). It’s no surprise (no eyebrows raised); “The Tox” is all over Fashion Week. A prick here, a little plumping there. Pretend to be an official Emergency Botox Injector. You never know when someone will need an emergency touch-up from their front row seat right before the Dare to Wear Show.
Action Plan: Wearing an ultra bleached, ultra starched, ultra crispy Philip Sparks shirt and ultra bleached, ultra starched, ultra tight Philip Sparks slacks enter the tents with a hard cover silver case briefcase. This is your “Tox Kit”. Stock it with realistic looking syringes. Fill the syringes with vodka, rum and tequila to drink later. Practice saying the following: “ We just got a call from 3 of our clients sitting in the front row. Their faces are slipping, fast, and it’s much brighter in there than they expected. Much. We need to get in there stat. Like yesterday. Which our clients wish it was. Actually they wish it were yester-decade. But I’m wasting time with silly jokes when this is actually a serious matter of life and lips.———- What’s that sir? You won’t let me in? I’m sorry sir, do you want to be held responsible for the social suicide of (insert name of local old celeb)’s face? Didn’t think so. Step aside. Watch my briefcase…. It’s titanium.”
3) BLIND YOUR BUSINESS. Blind people always get the right of way. Even in last season’s fashions. So not fair. So…pretend you’re blind. If nosey bitches wonder what you’re doing at a visual fashion show, say to them (while feeling up their face) that the sounds of high heels really turn you on.
Action Plan: Work those custom-made David Dixon shades (the ones that you taped a DD logo to each lens) and custom bedazzled Bustle walking stick (god bless glue guns) and stumbling your way into the tents. Bump into security guard on purpose. Cop a feel if they’re hot. Most FDCC staff won’t stop you but if they do ask to see your pass, tell them it’s around your neck. “What?!?! It’s not?!? Oh. , ma gawd!”
4) A TAPEWORM A DAY WILL KEEP THE TAPE MEASURE AWAY. Totally make security hungry by pretending to be a Tapeworm Delivery Person. It’s the fastest, cheapest way of loosing weight ever! Forever! Your job? To deliver fresh live tape worms to the models backstage and you have to get in real quick like in order to meet your “30 minutes or it’s free because they’re already dead” delivery policy.
Action Plan: Place 2 or 3 small fish into a well-sealed Chinese food takeout out container with water. Hide the fish under long strands of rancid flat egg noodles found in the dumpsters behind any Ginger restaurant. Attach a Tapeworm King nametag to your most flowy, drapey, droopy, waivey, floaty, swishy, hangy, wrappy, saggy, floppy, Ezra Constantine hooded top. Smile and jiggle the takeout container splilling a little of the water onto the security guards. Enter with bows.
5) TERMINATE-HER: You may have heard of the fashion police. Yesterday. Today, pretend you’re an elite member of Style Army. While the Fashion Police issue tickets and fines, you are authorized to kill. With a look. With a remark. With a bullet.
Action Plan: Storm the entrance outfitted in your most fashionable tactical gear, perhaps a Hoax Couture blazer accessorized with an AK 45 rifle. Practice the following in your most aggressive voice: “Please stand down, sir. My intelligence operatives inside have requested back-up. There are far too many people dressed far too pretentiously in far too small a space. In order to reduced the threat of Pretentious- Annihilation I have been specially chosen to take out at least 40% of the Optical Offensives.——-Miss, yes you with the fun fur cheetah coat. I’m going to have to start with you. Its’ time to die.”
And if all these fail, tell them you’re Robin Kay’s wrap fluffer. Bring a big brush and some smelling salts and you’re all set.
Good luck, good riddance and enjoy the drinks!
ACADEMY AWARD CUT UPS
The Academy Awards came and went. See ya bitches! The red carpet, full of gorgeous women in expensive gowns, took our imaginations to places usually only seen after too many Xanax’s. For sure they all looked good on their own, but how great would it have been if we were able to literally cut up these dresses and mush them together? Smush! Mush! Smush! Oh my god, it would be like haute couture for schizophrenics! Let’s start!
Viola Davis and Michelle Williams. Together they form Viola Williams or Violle:
Who doesn’t want to look like a frog in blender? This red and green mash-up pairs a strapless green Vera Wang gown, which features a pleated skirt detail and embroidered neckline with a red silk and organza Louis Vuitton dress with a peplum waist. Is it Christmas?
Gwyneth Paltrow and Jennifer Lopez merge to become Gwyneth Lopez or Gwyniffer:
These actresses wow in a white Tom Ford gown and dramatic floor length cape with curve-hugging, long sleeve Zuhair Murad gown. Werk!
Kirstin Wiig and Jessica Chastain get the gold as Kirstin Chastin or Kirssica:
Looking elegant in a black Alexander McQueen gown with an intricate gold overlay and a flowing chiffon train matched with a nude tulle strapless gown with woven bodice and hand pleated layered skirt by J. Mendel. Let’s melt her down and cash her in.
Tina Fey and Rooney Mara come together in bold contrast to form Tina Mara or Tiara:
Slinking about in a white Givenchy gown these stars turns heads with a plunging neckline and a black strapless custom Carolina Herrera peplum gown. Bar Code Couture!
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie (and her leg) form, what else…Brangelina Pilie:
Combining a Tom Ford tux with an Atelier Versace dress with mega high slit, Hollywood’s power couple prove that women can indeed wear the pants and men can show a bit of leg. And he shaves!
Meryl Streep and Melissa McCarthy become the glittery Meryl McCarthy:
These big gals go bold in a gold Lanvin’s custom-made eco gown (made from eco-certified fabric sourced with help from Livia Firth’s Green Carpet Challenge) combined with a crystal-embellished Marina Rinaldi gown. Mr. Blackwell is blushing.
Remember, the next time someone asks you, “Who are you wearing?”, just start screaming.
Photomanipulation and text by Rolyn Chambers
Original photos snatched from www. intouch.com
Do you know who we are? Who are you? No, really! Last names are very important. They tell the world who you are and where you came from. Some last names are of historic importance. Some denote class and status. Some warn others of your unwant or reputation or your place or station in society. Some have the same last names as others. But this of course does not mean that they know one another, are related, or similar in any way. Having the same last name also does not mean that they would even run in the same circles or would ever even be seen in the same room with one another. We, for instance, are very particular about the last names we associate with.
Torontonians, however, have the poor unfortunate task of managing a very backward mayor by the name of Rob Ford. The other day a friend of ours mistakenly referred to this monstrosity of a human being as Tom Ford. We died. No! Actually we threw up the nicoise salad we had for lunch. And then we passed out.
“Noooooooo!” we squealed in obese agony. How could he mistake these two people? “Tom Ford is NOT Rob Ford we corrected!” The latter is an international designer who has gone on to become a celebrated director. The former is a national buffoon that somehow became mayor and has gone on to become an international joke. The two most likely have no blood connection (god we hope not), and most certainly would never attend the same events. We of course would be sharing giggles and champagne with Tommy boy. Robbie…not so much.
Above are some flyers we’ve created depicting who else Rob Ford is not. Please use them incase you get confused. Just print them out, and carry them with you. If and when you run into Rob Ford (he might run you down with his car or he may mistakenly try and eat you), simply hold up the flyers next to his face and… voila! Never be confused again!
Robbie you are so not fetch… and no…you can’t sit with us!
WAR SUCKS
War does suck! But at least we got some good fashion out of it. Right?! The influence of military garb on fashion is as old as man-made conflicts themselves. We fight over land, religion and resources. We fight for control. We fight. Will it ever end? Who the fetch knows. But thank-you to designers like Dolce&Gabanna for taking inspiration from the battlefield and inserting into everyday life. Now go out and conquer something worthwhile.
Hey, Remembrance Day! You can fully sit with us!
JEANS FER YER JUNK
The other day we were at a local gay club, dancing the night away when out of the denim blue we spotted what looked like a underwater torpedo coming towards us. At first we swam for the safety of our friends who provided a barrier reef, protecting us from its eventual explosion. From there we were free to examine this weapon of mass destruction without fear. These jeans were so tight and what was in them so big we could not take our eyes off it. Next to us our friends, giggled in various other types and brands of jeans. Some sagged around their firm asses, some hugged snuggly but none were as blatantly sexual as the jeans which sought entrance into our minds (and other parts of our body). This got us to thinking. How do we buy our jeans? What attracts us to the various brands? It’s all about marketing and advertising.
There’s, selling jeans and then there’s selling jeans. Why, ahem, beat around the bush? Except for the unfortunately named “Mom” jeans, most denim is all about sex. Lookit ma ass in these jeans, lookit my thick muscular thighs in these jeans, lookit my big package in these jeans. Yes jeans are comfortable, but we as gayz wear them for much more than that. Even though Canadian designer Chris Tyrell of Hoax Couture once said to us, “We hate gays in jeans,” many people would disagree. We love them. Long before jeans became high-end fashion, back in the ancient days of the 1970s, they were used as tools for picking up other guys. Now, we aren’t saying we should go back to those days. The days where our pants were so tight you could count the number of rings around your trunk, but our above photography comparison is quite interesting. What are jeans now and how should they be advertised?
Instead of putting the fashion element into jeans advertising, photographer Erwin Olaf has inserted the sex fully back into it. Many, many inches back in it. His photo spread for Linda Magazine back in 2009 did just that. Take out the models face and shove in the models best asset. Is this what we really want to see when we see man strutting down the street? Maybe not. But ads are not really about real life. They are about fantasy. So why not hyper sexualize an already semi-sexualized area of marketing? We say go for it. Really, if Regina George can wear the shortest of mini-skirts to school than why can’t her ex-boyfriend Aaron Samuels (who could easily be convinced to play for our team) wear the tightest of jeans over top of his hopefully huge erection? That would be fully fetch. Though I doubt we would get any work done in chemistry class if this was the case.
But do would these ads then cross over into the realm of porn? They could. They straddle that fine line. They also make us drool. And somewhat wet.
And making us wet gets you noticed. So, Erwin Olaf, you can fully sit with us. As long as you bring one of your big-dicked, tight jean wearing models to the lunch table
Shopping for sexy jeans?
JEAN GUIDE
From: http://blog.universalgear.com/trend_watch/
IF YOU HAVE A FLAT BUTT
-If you want to add some curves to your body look for stretch denim and slim fits.
-Avoid rigid, loose fit or wide legs jeans.
-Check out denim with a flap or zippered back pockets. Those details tend to add bulk and curvature where you need it most.
IF YOU HAVE FULLER/MUSCUALR THIGHS
-You can try a flare or a bootcut. Those jeans tend to balance out the curves of your hips and thighs with a slight flare at the bottom of the jeans. But avoid ultra-slim bootcuts like the Diesel Zathan (you won’t be able to get those over your thighs). The True Religion Joey or the Diesel Zaf have more room in the thigh and will better accentuate your body.
- Those looking to play down their curves should try a mid to low-rise straight leg. The silhouette of the straight leg will deemphasize your thighs and even out the curves on the lower half of your body. Try the G-Star Low Loose or the Diesel Levan.
IF YOU ARE A BIT SHORT
-To elongate the leg and body go for a pair of low-rise jeans with a longer leg to wear with boots.
-Look for jeans with different inseam lengths. Most jeans without inseams have a 33” or 34” length.
-Avoid wide leg, flares, or anything that will widen your shape.
TIP — If you need to hem your jeans, take them to your tailor and ask to keep the original hem — they’ll look like they are straight from the manufacturer and you’ll be able to retain all the worn-in details the brand has added to the hem! But be careful not to go too short…most jeans shrink up to 1/2 an inch if you wash and tumble dry them regularly.
IF YOU ARE ON THE TALLER SIDE
-Check out denim with a low rise and a narrow bootcut or straight leg. Examples: Levi’s Offender, Levi’s Skinner, Diesel Zathan.
-Stay away from wide legs or flared jeans.
TIP — To add some style and a couple extra inches you can always let out the bottom seam, which usually contains close to 1 extra inch of fabric.
TIP — G-Star jeans are slightly shorter than most brands. If you’re normally a 32 length in Diesel and Levi’s, you may want to try a 34 length in your G-Stars.
IF YOU ARE SHORT WAISTED
-Stick to low riding jeans. If you’re really daring, try the Levi’s Offender Jean—it has a 7-inch rise (one of the lowest in men’s jeans).
-Avoid jeans with medium or highrise. The length in the rise will narrow the area between your waist and chest.
IF YOU ARE LONG WAISTED
-Look for a medium rise denim with a straighter leg to help balance out your proportions.
-Avoid extra low denim.
Now strut it out. And remember don’t just put your best foot forward, stick yer crotch out too. Cause that’s what we’re really looking at
HELLO PUSSY!
OMK, Okay! We so love hello Kitty. We love it more than shoes, guys or trimming our bush, or putting our hands on our hips! Fer sure. So when we found out there was an actual living, breathing, purring Hello Kitty House, we almost passed gas! And OMK, it almost has enough bedrooms for us to live in. FYI, we need at least six bedrooms plus a guesthouse out back. FYI.
So, okay! First off, it’s pink. We love pink. Second off, it’s cute. We love cute. And third-off, it’s very fetch. And we love fetch. But is it too fetch? If that’s even possible! Like, could we realistically live in this house full time…or at least use it as our summer cottage for a month or two at a time? Sadly no. There’s cute and the there’s too cute. Sorry Pussy…you’re too cute.
But who cares, because these aren’t real homes anyways. Fer real! These structures can be found n the resort town of Shanghai. They are actually rentable homes away from home. If your home was maybe Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch. While other tourist areas around the world might rent inner city apartments, Villas, ice castles, log cabins, or tropical huts…here you can rent a big piece of cutesy. Aaah! Stay for a week, a month or longer. Though we wouldn’t advise staying for more than 30 days, the next we take a trip out East, we are most certainly staying here. We like making Pussy happy.
It’s Wednesday. And on Wednesday we wear pink. So, Shanghai Hello Kitty House, you can fully sit with us. Or we could all sit inside you. Whatever’s easier.
Jonathan Lipnicki- Growed Up Good!
Good Lord almighty! We feel old. Like, order us some Depends and put us on an iceberg and float us out to sea, old. How did this happen? No really? Where have the years gone? We remember watching Jerry Maguire not too long ago. (It was actually 1996.) Unfortunately, we could only watch it once because, well, we found the leads, Tom Cruise, Renée Zellweger and Cuba Gooding Jr., equally annoying in this film. Overload. We also found that sickeningly sweet kid Jonathan Lipnicki even more annoying. With his doughy eyes, ridiculous lisp and puffy cheeks, he was so impossibly cute we wanted to barf.
Remember this oh-so-cute quote from the movie? Jonathan played lil’ Ray Boyd:
Jerry Maguire: The fuckin zoo is closed, Ray.
Ray: You said fuck.
Jerry Maguire: Uh… yeah… I…
Ray: Don’t worry. I won’t tell.
Auuuuw. Barf. Well let us tell you, somehow in the last decade or so the kid grew up…into a man. A short man mind you, but a man nonetheless.
You might also remember him from such “little” films as Stuart Little, Little Vampire and Like Mike with Lil’ Bow Wow. Now all we gotta say is woof! Really. But saying it makes us feel like dirty old men who coach pee-wee hockey to play with sticks…and not the kind you score with. Or are they?
Anyways, Jonathan is still acting, but he’s also been, as is evidence from these photos, fully working on his fitness. Training in mixed martial arts, he competes in high-level Brazilian Jiu Jitsu matches. We would pay good money (and maybe even sit through another screening of Jerry Macguire) to see him wrestle another hottie to the mat any old day.
Hopefully he can also restart his acting career. If lil’ Tom Cruise who measures a mere 5’7” can be a leading man, we are sure that lil’ Johnny Lipnicki who has a much better body and stands 5’4” (his website says 5’7” but we ain’t buying it) can do the same.
Johnny…you can fully sit with us. And then wrestle us to the ground.
Jeffrey Campbell-Fully Camp
We love shoes! We know! How fully gay right?!?! Stereotypes are good…when they are in the positive. And we see nothing negative about our love of shoes. So, when we trip over a creative cobbler on our way to another awesome Turnip Eating Gala with Ivanka we feel it’s in your best interest to know about it. Listen up bitches!
It’s been a full decade now since Los Angeles raised Jeffrey Campbell began redefining and uniquely branding footwear. The company is “based around vintage inspirations, runway trending and the grind of daily life.” Though we don’t like to grind unless we are on the dance floor we do understand where they are going with this sentiment. Go to the streets, the ghettos, and the back alleys for inspiration. Well thank Saks, he’s doing it because we surely wouldn’t want to step foot in these underprivileged neighbor hoods. Imagine. Us? North of Eglington, west of Bathurst, east of Pape in Toronto? Or us, in The Bronx, Brooklyn or Queens? So thank-you, Jeffrey for doing the dirty work for us…and making it stunning.
His eye for stunning detail has allowed this brand to grow. Global like Gaga! The collections, now available in Europe, have been popping up in high concept boutiques and on the shelves of top retailers across the old continent. They are of course available in Canada. To slip on a pair right away, instead of ordering online, hotfoot it over to:
• Browns
• Frakas
• Spank
But if you do decide to checkout their website be warned. It’s a bit of a creative mess. We love it anyways because it has a very detailed blog that allows their tribe of followers to get involved in everything the company is doing. If you yearn to know what the JC family is currently reading or who they have spotted in the street looking fetch, then this site will work well for you. But if you want a catalogue of what they sell and how much they cost…well good luck with that. The semi-catalogue they do have online look like ads from a magazine shoot…for some wanna-be-edgy magazine. Sweetie, we’re already edgy. We’re gay (well it used to be edgy at one point). We just wanna see the shoes…the prices would be okay too, But as our mother used to slur into our ear every night before she passed out from having too many Coco-Puff Martinis by the pool, “If you have to ask how much it costs, you’re probably just going to steal it because you’re most likely poor.”
Sadly their poor “men’s” line however is not really worth the mention. Yet. We are hoping for (and expecting) good things to come, as this line has just been launched. All the shoes pictured above are technically women’s, but if you got the balls to pull it off fellas (like lets say, a Myles Sexton, a Gregory Gorgeous or an Adam Lambert), you’re gonna turn heads. And isn’t that what being gay is all about. Whiplash them all!
Jeffrey Campbell…you can fully sit with us. We’ll bring the polish. You bring our shoes. .
The Mean Gayz Ventilated Jock Strap Stephen Ireland Evil Devil Tattoo Doll
Oh ma gawd?!?! What is up with this guy? Ya, we know the facts. For real. So like, he’s an Irish footballer. Yum. Fer sure! He plays as an attacking midfielder (he can attack us any day—-or night) for Aston Villa. But, like, seriously. He’s so gay it’s not even funny. Not funny in that he doesn’t even realize it and still sleeps with the not-so-fairer sex. Unfair! We cry foul. Out of bounds. We want a penalty kick. We’ll use of tongues instead of our feet…and his balls will just have to substitute for a football. Actually let’s call it what it really is…a Penalty Lick.
Okay, maybe he’s not gay, but he should really consider playing for our team. We win every time. But we want more!
Yes, it’s like, so hot, to watch him rearrange his balls while he plays, but we want more. We love that he grabs others guys firm, tight asses on the football field, but we want more. We love the fact that he wears uber-gay underwear under his shorts, but we want more. Yes, he has a tattoo of two large angel wings on his back (good lord, that’s so 1990s gay its not even funny), but we want more. Yes, he does have a Chihuahua (the gayest dog ever) as a pet, but we want more. Yes, he decorated his (turkey baster?) daughter’s bedroom in bright, bright, neon pink EVERYTHING, but we want more. More. More. More…and less. Much less.
Here’s what we want. We want Stephen Ireland to play an entire game in just his jock strap…but not just any jock strap. A specially designed Mean Gayz ® Ventilated Plastic Jock Strap. Not only will he look so bitchingly fetch, but after his game he’ll still taste crispy fresh. Sorry, but unlike those guys with sweat fetishes, we like our sausage sweet smelling…. and cheese free.
Think of it. He will get so many endorsements. Jock Itch commercials. Butt-crack spray ads. Plus of course…he’ll have his own doll. Check out the one above that we designed for him. It’ll fly off the shelves….and maybe into some guys ass. We can’t control what people do with them. Who cares? As long as we get the profit. Don’t worry he’ll get a cut too. Its the perfect Christmas present. Like, for real.
So. Ireland…strap on that jock…and then you can with us.
Dear Anderson Cooper,
We realize you are trying to take over where Oprah left off. You’re trying to fill her shoes, we know. But really, the girl has huge feet! You’re trying to appeal to everyday housewives in a bid to capture ratings, we know. You’re trying to be as digestible as possible so simple-minded Americans will watch, we know. What we don’t get is your clothing choices. Really, plaid shirts and ill-fitting brown pants? Really?
We’ve picked out the perfect interview-frock for you. It’s the latest Alexander McQueen gown in delicious hot pink. We know what you’re thinking, its too gala right? Maybe. We were just pulling your leg. Instead we’ve given you a real Mean Gayz Makeover. We’ve done away with your boring one colour shirts and no-character suits. Instead let us introduce you to the very affordable and oh so on point Top Shop. This outfit looks so fetch on you.
So, in the future we suggest you look a little less like a Christian missionary and gay it up a bit…or you can’t sit with us.
