HOW TO REALLY SNEAK INTO FASHION WEEK
Recently a certain weekly Toronto magazine (which we love) published a fashion piece with the mouth-watering title, “How To Sneak into Fashion Week.” The idea that one could creep into a fashion event by “on-trending” yourself is cute but of course is about as on-point as an alcoholic assuming they can just walk out of the LCBO without paying for their bottle of cheap sherry. Plus, if you can afford the $400 pair of shades mentioned in the article then you better bloody well be supporting our struggling fashion industry by buying a ticket (or two).
Besides, the security guards have seen all these faux fashion sneak attacks before. You won’t be fooling any one. Instead, shake things up a bit. You’ve got one day left! Follow the Mean Gayz How To Really Sneak Into Fashion Week Guide and you’ll be guaranteed access faster than an uppity newbie blogger can say, “Gee, these free drinks are really weak.”
1) ALEXANDER WASN’T THE ONLY QUEEN. No one turns away royalty. If you’re going to be dressing your poor sad self up in labels that you know nothing about you might as well just pretend to be something else all together. Pretend you’re in-bred, blue blood, brain dead royalty.
Action Plan: Do a bit of research beforehand. Pick a ruling family that heads some small principality that no one has heard of. To achieve that “Fresh-Off-The-Throne” look go to any costume shop like Malabar. But to achieve a more “Hellio-Hellio-Don’t-Touch-Me-Hellio” glamorous state dinner look, hit up Toronto’s new king of embroidered opulence, Lucian Matis. Practice your mini wave, and never look anyone in the eye. For a more realistic look, hire some bodyguards from Craigslist.
2) EBI (EMERGENCY BOTOX INJECTOR). It’s no surprise (no eyebrows raised); “The Tox” is all over Fashion Week. A prick here, a little plumping there. Pretend to be an official Emergency Botox Injector. You never know when someone will need an emergency touch-up from their front row seat right before the Dare to Wear Show.
Action Plan: Wearing an ultra bleached, ultra starched, ultra crispy Philip Sparks shirt and ultra bleached, ultra starched, ultra tight Philip Sparks slacks enter the tents with a hard cover silver case briefcase. This is your “Tox Kit”. Stock it with realistic looking syringes. Fill the syringes with vodka, rum and tequila to drink later. Practice saying the following: “ We just got a call from 3 of our clients sitting in the front row. Their faces are slipping, fast, and it’s much brighter in there than they expected. Much. We need to get in there stat. Like yesterday. Which our clients wish it was. Actually they wish it were yester-decade. But I’m wasting time with silly jokes when this is actually a serious matter of life and lips.———- What’s that sir? You won’t let me in? I’m sorry sir, do you want to be held responsible for the social suicide of (insert name of local old celeb)’s face? Didn’t think so. Step aside. Watch my briefcase…. It’s titanium.”
3) BLIND YOUR BUSINESS. Blind people always get the right of way. Even in last season’s fashions. So not fair. So…pretend you’re blind. If nosey bitches wonder what you’re doing at a visual fashion show, say to them (while feeling up their face) that the sounds of high heels really turn you on.
Action Plan: Work those custom-made David Dixon shades (the ones that you taped a DD logo to each lens) and custom bedazzled Bustle walking stick (god bless glue guns) and stumbling your way into the tents. Bump into security guard on purpose. Cop a feel if they’re hot. Most FDCC staff won’t stop you but if they do ask to see your pass, tell them it’s around your neck. “What?!?! It’s not?!? Oh. , ma gawd!”
4) A TAPEWORM A DAY WILL KEEP THE TAPE MEASURE AWAY. Totally make security hungry by pretending to be a Tapeworm Delivery Person. It’s the fastest, cheapest way of loosing weight ever! Forever! Your job? To deliver fresh live tape worms to the models backstage and you have to get in real quick like in order to meet your “30 minutes or it’s free because they’re already dead” delivery policy.
Action Plan: Place 2 or 3 small fish into a well-sealed Chinese food takeout out container with water. Hide the fish under long strands of rancid flat egg noodles found in the dumpsters behind any Ginger restaurant. Attach a Tapeworm King nametag to your most flowy, drapey, droopy, waivey, floaty, swishy, hangy, wrappy, saggy, floppy, Ezra Constantine hooded top. Smile and jiggle the takeout container splilling a little of the water onto the security guards. Enter with bows.
5) TERMINATE-HER: You may have heard of the fashion police. Yesterday. Today, pretend you’re an elite member of Style Army. While the Fashion Police issue tickets and fines, you are authorized to kill. With a look. With a remark. With a bullet.
Action Plan: Storm the entrance outfitted in your most fashionable tactical gear, perhaps a Hoax Couture blazer accessorized with an AK 45 rifle. Practice the following in your most aggressive voice: “Please stand down, sir. My intelligence operatives inside have requested back-up. There are far too many people dressed far too pretentiously in far too small a space. In order to reduced the threat of Pretentious- Annihilation I have been specially chosen to take out at least 40% of the Optical Offensives.——-Miss, yes you with the fun fur cheetah coat. I’m going to have to start with you. Its’ time to die.”
And if all these fail, tell them you’re Robin Kay’s wrap fluffer. Bring a big brush and some smelling salts and you’re all set.
Good luck, good riddance and enjoy the drinks!
Do you know who we are? Who are you? No, really! Last names are very important. They tell the world who you are and where you came from. Some last names are of historic importance. Some denote class and status. Some warn others of your unwant or reputation or your place or station in society. Some have the same last names as others. But this of course does not mean that they know one another, are related, or similar in any way. Having the same last name also does not mean that they would even run in the same circles or would ever even be seen in the same room with one another. We, for instance, are very particular about the last names we associate with.
Torontonians, however, have the poor unfortunate task of managing a very backward mayor by the name of Rob Ford. The other day a friend of ours mistakenly referred to this monstrosity of a human being as Tom Ford. We died. No! Actually we threw up the nicoise salad we had for lunch. And then we passed out.
“Noooooooo!” we squealed in obese agony. How could he mistake these two people? “Tom Ford is NOT Rob Ford we corrected!” The latter is an international designer who has gone on to become a celebrated director. The former is a national buffoon that somehow became mayor and has gone on to become an international joke. The two most likely have no blood connection (god we hope not), and most certainly would never attend the same events. We of course would be sharing giggles and champagne with Tommy boy. Robbie…not so much.
Above are some flyers we’ve created depicting who else Rob Ford is not. Please use them incase you get confused. Just print them out, and carry them with you. If and when you run into Rob Ford (he might run you down with his car or he may mistakenly try and eat you), simply hold up the flyers next to his face and… voila! Never be confused again!
Robbie you are so not fetch… and no…you can’t sit with us!
Jeffrey Campbell-Fully Camp
We love shoes! We know! How fully gay right?!?! Stereotypes are good…when they are in the positive. And we see nothing negative about our love of shoes. So, when we trip over a creative cobbler on our way to another awesome Turnip Eating Gala with Ivanka we feel it’s in your best interest to know about it. Listen up bitches!
It’s been a full decade now since Los Angeles raised Jeffrey Campbell began redefining and uniquely branding footwear. The company is “based around vintage inspirations, runway trending and the grind of daily life.” Though we don’t like to grind unless we are on the dance floor we do understand where they are going with this sentiment. Go to the streets, the ghettos, and the back alleys for inspiration. Well thank Saks, he’s doing it because we surely wouldn’t want to step foot in these underprivileged neighbor hoods. Imagine. Us? North of Eglington, west of Bathurst, east of Pape in Toronto? Or us, in The Bronx, Brooklyn or Queens? So thank-you, Jeffrey for doing the dirty work for us…and making it stunning.
His eye for stunning detail has allowed this brand to grow. Global like Gaga! The collections, now available in Europe, have been popping up in high concept boutiques and on the shelves of top retailers across the old continent. They are of course available in Canada. To slip on a pair right away, instead of ordering online, hotfoot it over to:
• Browns
• Frakas
• Spank
But if you do decide to checkout their website be warned. It’s a bit of a creative mess. We love it anyways because it has a very detailed blog that allows their tribe of followers to get involved in everything the company is doing. If you yearn to know what the JC family is currently reading or who they have spotted in the street looking fetch, then this site will work well for you. But if you want a catalogue of what they sell and how much they cost…well good luck with that. The semi-catalogue they do have online look like ads from a magazine shoot…for some wanna-be-edgy magazine. Sweetie, we’re already edgy. We’re gay (well it used to be edgy at one point). We just wanna see the shoes…the prices would be okay too, But as our mother used to slur into our ear every night before she passed out from having too many Coco-Puff Martinis by the pool, “If you have to ask how much it costs, you’re probably just going to steal it because you’re most likely poor.”
Sadly their poor “men’s” line however is not really worth the mention. Yet. We are hoping for (and expecting) good things to come, as this line has just been launched. All the shoes pictured above are technically women’s, but if you got the balls to pull it off fellas (like lets say, a Myles Sexton, a Gregory Gorgeous or an Adam Lambert), you’re gonna turn heads. And isn’t that what being gay is all about. Whiplash them all!
Jeffrey Campbell…you can fully sit with us. We’ll bring the polish. You bring our shoes. .
![Happy Jaws
“I know [he’s] kind of socially retarded and weird, but [he’s] my friend… so, just promise me you won’t make fun of [him].”
Well if Mayor Rob Ford was really our friend we might have said this but he’s clearly not, so please forget the above quote. Even though he is totally socially retarded. So much. To the point where Torontonians will soon be unable to overlook it and will hopefully have him committed. Or shot. They still do that right?
So, ya, okay, this week Toronto City Council voted 38 to 4 to ban the sale of shark fins in Toronto, Canada. We’re not sure what percentage that is, but whatever. The new bylaw bans the sale, possession and consumption of shark fin and carries fines up to $100,000 and goes into effect on Sept. 1, 2012.
This was a wee blow to Toronto’s Chinese community who use the fin of this hunting creature in some sort of weird soup. Like yuck. But wait, the soup can cost upwards of $100 a bowl. We like expensive things, so yay. But many sharks are only killed just for the fin and then are thrown back in the ocean without it. Left to die. Like Regina George after she was hit by that truck. So, like yuck. Its’ all kind gross and morbid. Like Janis…the lesbian.
But we think the fact that Rob Ford (and his equally overfed brother Doug) voted AGAINST the ban was ridiculous. The words that came out of his huge gaping krill filled mouth were:
“There’s all these misconceptions about what they’re doing; it’s been going on for so long. I don’t know why all of a sudden they’re making an issue. I’m not going to support the ban.”
Ya…makes sense. We think they also said the same thing of slavery. That went on for a while too. Oh, and the killing of Jews during World War 2. Ya, that went on for a couple years. Why did they stop that again? Not that sharks are people or anything, but really, that arguments holds no water. Just because we’ve always done something does not make that something right. Like, just because you’ve always been getting fatter, does not make the fact that you wish to continue getting fat okay. It’s not.
Get to the gym, eat healthier (shark fin soup doesn’t count) and most importantly, start acting like a mayor…or you can’t sit with us!](http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ltolpmlpIj1r4rp3io1_500.jpg)
Happy Jaws
“I know [he’s] kind of socially retarded and weird, but [he’s] my friend… so, just promise me you won’t make fun of [him].”
Well if Mayor Rob Ford was really our friend we might have said this but he’s clearly not, so please forget the above quote. Even though he is totally socially retarded. So much. To the point where Torontonians will soon be unable to overlook it and will hopefully have him committed. Or shot. They still do that right?
So, ya, okay, this week Toronto City Council voted 38 to 4 to ban the sale of shark fins in Toronto, Canada. We’re not sure what percentage that is, but whatever. The new bylaw bans the sale, possession and consumption of shark fin and carries fines up to $100,000 and goes into effect on Sept. 1, 2012.
This was a wee blow to Toronto’s Chinese community who use the fin of this hunting creature in some sort of weird soup. Like yuck. But wait, the soup can cost upwards of $100 a bowl. We like expensive things, so yay. But many sharks are only killed just for the fin and then are thrown back in the ocean without it. Left to die. Like Regina George after she was hit by that truck. So, like yuck. Its’ all kind gross and morbid. Like Janis…the lesbian.
But we think the fact that Rob Ford (and his equally overfed brother Doug) voted AGAINST the ban was ridiculous. The words that came out of his huge gaping krill filled mouth were:
“There’s all these misconceptions about what they’re doing; it’s been going on for so long. I don’t know why all of a sudden they’re making an issue. I’m not going to support the ban.”
Ya…makes sense. We think they also said the same thing of slavery. That went on for a while too. Oh, and the killing of Jews during World War 2. Ya, that went on for a couple years. Why did they stop that again? Not that sharks are people or anything, but really, that arguments holds no water. Just because we’ve always done something does not make that something right. Like, just because you’ve always been getting fatter, does not make the fact that you wish to continue getting fat okay. It’s not.
Get to the gym, eat healthier (shark fin soup doesn’t count) and most importantly, start acting like a mayor…or you can’t sit with us!
