HOW TO REALLY SNEAK INTO FASHION WEEK
Recently a certain weekly Toronto magazine (which we love) published a fashion piece with the mouth-watering title, “How To Sneak into Fashion Week.” The idea that one could creep into a fashion event by “on-trending” yourself is cute but of course is about as on-point as an alcoholic assuming they can just walk out of the LCBO without paying for their bottle of cheap sherry. Plus, if you can afford the $400 pair of shades mentioned in the article then you better bloody well be supporting our struggling fashion industry by buying a ticket (or two).
Besides, the security guards have seen all these faux fashion sneak attacks before. You won’t be fooling any one. Instead, shake things up a bit. You’ve got one day left! Follow the Mean Gayz How To Really Sneak Into Fashion Week Guide and you’ll be guaranteed access faster than an uppity newbie blogger can say, “Gee, these free drinks are really weak.”
1) ALEXANDER WASN’T THE ONLY QUEEN. No one turns away royalty. If you’re going to be dressing your poor sad self up in labels that you know nothing about you might as well just pretend to be something else all together. Pretend you’re in-bred, blue blood, brain dead royalty.
Action Plan: Do a bit of research beforehand. Pick a ruling family that heads some small principality that no one has heard of. To achieve that “Fresh-Off-The-Throne” look go to any costume shop like Malabar. But to achieve a more “Hellio-Hellio-Don’t-Touch-Me-Hellio” glamorous state dinner look, hit up Toronto’s new king of embroidered opulence, Lucian Matis. Practice your mini wave, and never look anyone in the eye. For a more realistic look, hire some bodyguards from Craigslist.
2) EBI (EMERGENCY BOTOX INJECTOR). It’s no surprise (no eyebrows raised); “The Tox” is all over Fashion Week. A prick here, a little plumping there. Pretend to be an official Emergency Botox Injector. You never know when someone will need an emergency touch-up from their front row seat right before the Dare to Wear Show.
Action Plan: Wearing an ultra bleached, ultra starched, ultra crispy Philip Sparks shirt and ultra bleached, ultra starched, ultra tight Philip Sparks slacks enter the tents with a hard cover silver case briefcase. This is your “Tox Kit”. Stock it with realistic looking syringes. Fill the syringes with vodka, rum and tequila to drink later. Practice saying the following: “ We just got a call from 3 of our clients sitting in the front row. Their faces are slipping, fast, and it’s much brighter in there than they expected. Much. We need to get in there stat. Like yesterday. Which our clients wish it was. Actually they wish it were yester-decade. But I’m wasting time with silly jokes when this is actually a serious matter of life and lips.———- What’s that sir? You won’t let me in? I’m sorry sir, do you want to be held responsible for the social suicide of (insert name of local old celeb)’s face? Didn’t think so. Step aside. Watch my briefcase…. It’s titanium.”
3) BLIND YOUR BUSINESS. Blind people always get the right of way. Even in last season’s fashions. So not fair. So…pretend you’re blind. If nosey bitches wonder what you’re doing at a visual fashion show, say to them (while feeling up their face) that the sounds of high heels really turn you on.
Action Plan: Work those custom-made David Dixon shades (the ones that you taped a DD logo to each lens) and custom bedazzled Bustle walking stick (god bless glue guns) and stumbling your way into the tents. Bump into security guard on purpose. Cop a feel if they’re hot. Most FDCC staff won’t stop you but if they do ask to see your pass, tell them it’s around your neck. “What?!?! It’s not?!? Oh. , ma gawd!”
4) A TAPEWORM A DAY WILL KEEP THE TAPE MEASURE AWAY. Totally make security hungry by pretending to be a Tapeworm Delivery Person. It’s the fastest, cheapest way of loosing weight ever! Forever! Your job? To deliver fresh live tape worms to the models backstage and you have to get in real quick like in order to meet your “30 minutes or it’s free because they’re already dead” delivery policy.
Action Plan: Place 2 or 3 small fish into a well-sealed Chinese food takeout out container with water. Hide the fish under long strands of rancid flat egg noodles found in the dumpsters behind any Ginger restaurant. Attach a Tapeworm King nametag to your most flowy, drapey, droopy, waivey, floaty, swishy, hangy, wrappy, saggy, floppy, Ezra Constantine hooded top. Smile and jiggle the takeout container splilling a little of the water onto the security guards. Enter with bows.
5) TERMINATE-HER: You may have heard of the fashion police. Yesterday. Today, pretend you’re an elite member of Style Army. While the Fashion Police issue tickets and fines, you are authorized to kill. With a look. With a remark. With a bullet.
Action Plan: Storm the entrance outfitted in your most fashionable tactical gear, perhaps a Hoax Couture blazer accessorized with an AK 45 rifle. Practice the following in your most aggressive voice: “Please stand down, sir. My intelligence operatives inside have requested back-up. There are far too many people dressed far too pretentiously in far too small a space. In order to reduced the threat of Pretentious- Annihilation I have been specially chosen to take out at least 40% of the Optical Offensives.——-Miss, yes you with the fun fur cheetah coat. I’m going to have to start with you. Its’ time to die.”
And if all these fail, tell them you’re Robin Kay’s wrap fluffer. Bring a big brush and some smelling salts and you’re all set.
Good luck, good riddance and enjoy the drinks!
JEANS FER YER JUNK
The other day we were at a local gay club, dancing the night away when out of the denim blue we spotted what looked like a underwater torpedo coming towards us. At first we swam for the safety of our friends who provided a barrier reef, protecting us from its eventual explosion. From there we were free to examine this weapon of mass destruction without fear. These jeans were so tight and what was in them so big we could not take our eyes off it. Next to us our friends, giggled in various other types and brands of jeans. Some sagged around their firm asses, some hugged snuggly but none were as blatantly sexual as the jeans which sought entrance into our minds (and other parts of our body). This got us to thinking. How do we buy our jeans? What attracts us to the various brands? It’s all about marketing and advertising.
There’s, selling jeans and then there’s selling jeans. Why, ahem, beat around the bush? Except for the unfortunately named “Mom” jeans, most denim is all about sex. Lookit ma ass in these jeans, lookit my thick muscular thighs in these jeans, lookit my big package in these jeans. Yes jeans are comfortable, but we as gayz wear them for much more than that. Even though Canadian designer Chris Tyrell of Hoax Couture once said to us, “We hate gays in jeans,” many people would disagree. We love them. Long before jeans became high-end fashion, back in the ancient days of the 1970s, they were used as tools for picking up other guys. Now, we aren’t saying we should go back to those days. The days where our pants were so tight you could count the number of rings around your trunk, but our above photography comparison is quite interesting. What are jeans now and how should they be advertised?
Instead of putting the fashion element into jeans advertising, photographer Erwin Olaf has inserted the sex fully back into it. Many, many inches back in it. His photo spread for Linda Magazine back in 2009 did just that. Take out the models face and shove in the models best asset. Is this what we really want to see when we see man strutting down the street? Maybe not. But ads are not really about real life. They are about fantasy. So why not hyper sexualize an already semi-sexualized area of marketing? We say go for it. Really, if Regina George can wear the shortest of mini-skirts to school than why can’t her ex-boyfriend Aaron Samuels (who could easily be convinced to play for our team) wear the tightest of jeans over top of his hopefully huge erection? That would be fully fetch. Though I doubt we would get any work done in chemistry class if this was the case.
But do would these ads then cross over into the realm of porn? They could. They straddle that fine line. They also make us drool. And somewhat wet.
And making us wet gets you noticed. So, Erwin Olaf, you can fully sit with us. As long as you bring one of your big-dicked, tight jean wearing models to the lunch table
Shopping for sexy jeans?
IF YOU HAVE A FLAT BUTT
-If you want to add some curves to your body look for stretch denim and slim fits.
-Avoid rigid, loose fit or wide legs jeans.
-Check out denim with a flap or zippered back pockets. Those details tend to add bulk and curvature where you need it most.
IF YOU HAVE FULLER/MUSCUALR THIGHS
-You can try a flare or a bootcut. Those jeans tend to balance out the curves of your hips and thighs with a slight flare at the bottom of the jeans. But avoid ultra-slim bootcuts like the Diesel Zathan (you won’t be able to get those over your thighs). The True Religion Joey or the Diesel Zaf have more room in the thigh and will better accentuate your body.
- Those looking to play down their curves should try a mid to low-rise straight leg. The silhouette of the straight leg will deemphasize your thighs and even out the curves on the lower half of your body. Try the G-Star Low Loose or the Diesel Levan.
IF YOU ARE A BIT SHORT
-To elongate the leg and body go for a pair of low-rise jeans with a longer leg to wear with boots.
-Look for jeans with different inseam lengths. Most jeans without inseams have a 33” or 34” length.
-Avoid wide leg, flares, or anything that will widen your shape.
TIP — If you need to hem your jeans, take them to your tailor and ask to keep the original hem — they’ll look like they are straight from the manufacturer and you’ll be able to retain all the worn-in details the brand has added to the hem! But be careful not to go too short…most jeans shrink up to 1/2 an inch if you wash and tumble dry them regularly.
IF YOU ARE ON THE TALLER SIDE
-Check out denim with a low rise and a narrow bootcut or straight leg. Examples: Levi’s Offender, Levi’s Skinner, Diesel Zathan.
-Stay away from wide legs or flared jeans.
TIP — To add some style and a couple extra inches you can always let out the bottom seam, which usually contains close to 1 extra inch of fabric.
TIP — G-Star jeans are slightly shorter than most brands. If you’re normally a 32 length in Diesel and Levi’s, you may want to try a 34 length in your G-Stars.
IF YOU ARE SHORT WAISTED
-Stick to low riding jeans. If you’re really daring, try the Levi’s Offender Jean—it has a 7-inch rise (one of the lowest in men’s jeans).
-Avoid jeans with medium or highrise. The length in the rise will narrow the area between your waist and chest.
IF YOU ARE LONG WAISTED
-Look for a medium rise denim with a straighter leg to help balance out your proportions.
-Avoid extra low denim.
Now strut it out. And remember don’t just put your best foot forward, stick yer crotch out too. Cause that’s what we’re really looking at