HOW TO REALLY SNEAK INTO FASHION WEEK
Recently a certain weekly Toronto magazine (which we love) published a fashion piece with the mouth-watering title, “How To Sneak into Fashion Week.” The idea that one could creep into a fashion event by “on-trending” yourself is cute but of course is about as on-point as an alcoholic assuming they can just walk out of the LCBO without paying for their bottle of cheap sherry. Plus, if you can afford the $400 pair of shades mentioned in the article then you better bloody well be supporting our struggling fashion industry by buying a ticket (or two).
Besides, the security guards have seen all these faux fashion sneak attacks before. You won’t be fooling any one. Instead, shake things up a bit. You’ve got one day left! Follow the Mean Gayz How To Really Sneak Into Fashion Week Guide and you’ll be guaranteed access faster than an uppity newbie blogger can say, “Gee, these free drinks are really weak.”
1) ALEXANDER WASN’T THE ONLY QUEEN. No one turns away royalty. If you’re going to be dressing your poor sad self up in labels that you know nothing about you might as well just pretend to be something else all together. Pretend you’re in-bred, blue blood, brain dead royalty.
Action Plan: Do a bit of research beforehand. Pick a ruling family that heads some small principality that no one has heard of. To achieve that “Fresh-Off-The-Throne” look go to any costume shop like Malabar. But to achieve a more “Hellio-Hellio-Don’t-Touch-Me-Hellio” glamorous state dinner look, hit up Toronto’s new king of embroidered opulence, Lucian Matis. Practice your mini wave, and never look anyone in the eye. For a more realistic look, hire some bodyguards from Craigslist.
2) EBI (EMERGENCY BOTOX INJECTOR). It’s no surprise (no eyebrows raised); “The Tox” is all over Fashion Week. A prick here, a little plumping there. Pretend to be an official Emergency Botox Injector. You never know when someone will need an emergency touch-up from their front row seat right before the Dare to Wear Show.
Action Plan: Wearing an ultra bleached, ultra starched, ultra crispy Philip Sparks shirt and ultra bleached, ultra starched, ultra tight Philip Sparks slacks enter the tents with a hard cover silver case briefcase. This is your “Tox Kit”. Stock it with realistic looking syringes. Fill the syringes with vodka, rum and tequila to drink later. Practice saying the following: “ We just got a call from 3 of our clients sitting in the front row. Their faces are slipping, fast, and it’s much brighter in there than they expected. Much. We need to get in there stat. Like yesterday. Which our clients wish it was. Actually they wish it were yester-decade. But I’m wasting time with silly jokes when this is actually a serious matter of life and lips.———- What’s that sir? You won’t let me in? I’m sorry sir, do you want to be held responsible for the social suicide of (insert name of local old celeb)’s face? Didn’t think so. Step aside. Watch my briefcase…. It’s titanium.”
3) BLIND YOUR BUSINESS. Blind people always get the right of way. Even in last season’s fashions. So not fair. So…pretend you’re blind. If nosey bitches wonder what you’re doing at a visual fashion show, say to them (while feeling up their face) that the sounds of high heels really turn you on.
Action Plan: Work those custom-made David Dixon shades (the ones that you taped a DD logo to each lens) and custom bedazzled Bustle walking stick (god bless glue guns) and stumbling your way into the tents. Bump into security guard on purpose. Cop a feel if they’re hot. Most FDCC staff won’t stop you but if they do ask to see your pass, tell them it’s around your neck. “What?!?! It’s not?!? Oh. , ma gawd!”
4) A TAPEWORM A DAY WILL KEEP THE TAPE MEASURE AWAY. Totally make security hungry by pretending to be a Tapeworm Delivery Person. It’s the fastest, cheapest way of loosing weight ever! Forever! Your job? To deliver fresh live tape worms to the models backstage and you have to get in real quick like in order to meet your “30 minutes or it’s free because they’re already dead” delivery policy.
Action Plan: Place 2 or 3 small fish into a well-sealed Chinese food takeout out container with water. Hide the fish under long strands of rancid flat egg noodles found in the dumpsters behind any Ginger restaurant. Attach a Tapeworm King nametag to your most flowy, drapey, droopy, waivey, floaty, swishy, hangy, wrappy, saggy, floppy, Ezra Constantine hooded top. Smile and jiggle the takeout container splilling a little of the water onto the security guards. Enter with bows.
5) TERMINATE-HER: You may have heard of the fashion police. Yesterday. Today, pretend you’re an elite member of Style Army. While the Fashion Police issue tickets and fines, you are authorized to kill. With a look. With a remark. With a bullet.
Action Plan: Storm the entrance outfitted in your most fashionable tactical gear, perhaps a Hoax Couture blazer accessorized with an AK 45 rifle. Practice the following in your most aggressive voice: “Please stand down, sir. My intelligence operatives inside have requested back-up. There are far too many people dressed far too pretentiously in far too small a space. In order to reduced the threat of Pretentious- Annihilation I have been specially chosen to take out at least 40% of the Optical Offensives.——-Miss, yes you with the fun fur cheetah coat. I’m going to have to start with you. Its’ time to die.”
And if all these fail, tell them you’re Robin Kay’s wrap fluffer. Bring a big brush and some smelling salts and you’re all set.
Good luck, good riddance and enjoy the drinks!