Summer movie blockbusters are just around the corner. But a shake-up of sorts has taken place in the studios of some of your most favourite animated films (ani-films). The animated stars (ani-stars) you’ve grown to tolerate in the roles that you’ve learned to like may not be speaking those memorable catch phrases on the silver screen this summer movie season. Alcohol, drugs, prescription pills, weight problems, murder, mental breakdowns, clashing egos, suicide, greed and poor wardrobe choices are just a few of the slew of reasons why many ani-stars are not returning to the roles they helped create. Some have indeed been replaced in this summer’s roster of ani-sequels. Tragic.
Let’s examine the damage. Deep breath. Gloves on.
1) Finding Nemo 2: Nemo & Sponge Bob in Finding White Sand Castle
After trying for years to film the sequel to Finding Nemo with all the original stars, Disney and Pixar finally scrapped the project. The crew blamed Dori (the scatter brain Blue Tang fish with short term memory loss) for the delays. If she did show up on set, she either never knew her lines, or thought she was playing the role of the whale, or assumed she was the make-up person. Most days she never made it to the lagoon for shooting at all because she would get lost or distracted by the water. Yes, the water. But knowing a good franchise when he saw it, megastar Sponge Bob Square Pants (“SpoBo” to his inner circle) quickly came on board as executive producer and wrote himself into, and Dori out of the script. Playing Nemo’s pot smoking, foul mouthed best friend, this film has the pair setting off on a quest to find the elusive White Sand Castle burger joint located near the coast of California. With lewd hard shell jokes, seahorse races, deep throating jellyfish, late night seaweed snack runs, an underwater implosion of The Crabby Shack and a special appearance by Neil Patrick Harris, it’s the movie event of the summer…and possibly the fall.
In Theatres: 06•01•12
2) Kung Foo Panda 3: Kung Foo Pooh
Seems Panda Po put on a bit too much noodle weight over the break and was ordered, as per his DreamWorks contract to loose it by the start of filming. The weight didn’t come off fast enough so the role was recast. Winnie The Pooh, best known for his work as the loveable sidekick to that anorexic kid Christopher Robin secured the role, beating out Yogi Bear and Dumbo The Elephant. According to sources, part of Winnie’s top secret rider states that his dressing room must be made of pure gold and that it be stocked with a fresh honeybee hives everyday. Not just fresh honey, but the actual hives. So far, two of his personal assistants have been stung to death.
In Theatres: 07•27•12
3) Cars 3: Training Day
Succumbing to his neuroses, Finn McMissile, the villain in the last Disney/Pixar Cars movies began living a super-fast after hitting it big. With so much disposable income he became addicted to motor-meth, super-charged lubrication oil and became a liability on the set. Producers quickly fired him and replaced him with hard working Thomas The Tank Engine to co-star alongside Lightening McQueen. With his catch phrase, “ I think I can! I think I can!” Tommie-boy may have kept production on track, but the film has defiantly lost its revving sex appeal…and its pre-teen-learners-permit-license age bracket.
In Theatres: 06•22•12
4) Ratatouille 2: Ratatouille Mickey
Narrowly beating out Jerry from Tom & Jerry Fame to snag the lead role, Mickey Mouse returns to big screen after more than three decades absence. “It’s my come back, heheeeeee,” he giggled at the press junket in Los Angeles. Original star, Remy The Rat decided not to do the second film because he was afraid of being typecast and felt that the second film with it’s larger Disney/Pixar budget was becoming less French and too Hollywood. “ I am a, how you say, and an artist,” Remy sniffed while sipping a glass of Bordeaux from a café in Marseille. “As an artist I must experience and engage new things. I have already done this role, why would I do it again? I need not more money. What is money? Yes I can buy more cheese with money. But cheese will always be here. I on the other hand, will not.”
From day one the new film was plagued with problems however. For starters, Mickey, a veteran of stage and screen didn’t like the title and felt it was derogatory. “I’m a mouse, not a rat,” he ranted. “How rude.” His lawyers fought to rename the film Mouse-soufflé” but lost. Instead a compromise was made and the new film was called, “Ratatouille-Mickey”. But with the Mickey’s name in the tile, the film is expected to bring in millions of dollars and revive Mickey’s once forgotten career.
In Theatres: 06•29•12
5) Happy Feet 3: Teach Me How To Pingu
Cute cuddly child star Mumble the penguin went through a rather unflattering growth spurt last fall. His uncontrollably pimply skin coupled with his 18-inch height increase found him out of a job and out of the spotlight. Two-stepping and “Dougie-ing” into the role of his lifetime is Quebecois TV star Pingu. Known as more of a physical comedian, there is much less dialogue in the new film. And there’s a twist. Shot completely in Canada, for many of the penguin and polar bear cast this was the first time away from their native Antarctica. The film follows Pingu as he leads a small band of penguins across some of the colder parts of Canada including whale blubber eating in Nunivak, maple sap collecting in Labrador, ice skating on the Rideau Canal, bar hopping in Montreal and Palin-Hunting in the North West Territories.
In Theatres: 07•27•12
6) Toy Story 13: Pinocchio’s Possessed
After 12 films, movies star Woody (no last name, like Madonna, God, Drake) was starting to show his age. His stuffing was flattened, his seams were always ripping, his molded plastic was heavily scratched and having lost his original hat he had resorted to wearing one of Kens. So Disney decided to put him out to retire his contract and killed off his character in Toy Story 12. He won an Academy Award for that performance. Replacing him in the Toy Story franchise, to the dismay of Buzz Lightyear and the other co-stars is Pinocchio. “He can’t act,” blasted Buzz in an interview to US Weekly. “ He’s to stiff. Too…wooden.” Toy Story 13 centers on Pinocchio, who is bought at a flea market in some unmentioned eerie small town fair. All seems normal until the other toys discover that the little wooden boy is not as innocent as he seems. The start noticing blood on the walls, freshly disturbed earth in the garden and flies buzzing around the toy chest and a really rotten smell that always lingers in the air. It seems the puppet is possessed and out for vengeance. His one goal; to seek vengeance for all toys that were lied to by their owners who promised to always keep and take care of them. Instead of his nose growing when he lies, it transforms and grows into a deadly sharp axe when anyone lies. Filmed in Super Screamer Vision, fun musical murder numbers will have kids singing and screaming all the way home.
In Theatres: 07•13•12
7) Little Mermaid 2: Little Merman
With its catch phrase, “Made The Switch, Dumped The Fish!” echoing across the oceans, Disney tells the tale of a love buried deep in a treasure chest hidden in the farthest reaches of the ocean. In real life, fame got the better of Ariel who quickly went off the deep end. Gaining a lot of weight she began attacking paparazzi with umbrellas, abusing prescription pills and on one car crash of a day, shaved off her trademark ginger locks. The producers forced her to check in to the Betty Bass Clinic.
The call went out for her replacement in the fishy sequel. Seeing an opportunity, to revive his washed-up career, Aquaman set out to change people’s perceptions of not just his electric-eel-riding self, but gay creatures all across the globe.
“I felt that this role did not have to be played by a woman, or even a man pretending to be a woman,” Aquaman said from his home in South Beach. “It’s the 21st Century. It was finally time to come out of the pirate’s chest. Yes, by advocating for this role rewrite, I was in fact declaring my sexuality. Loud and proud. I’m also a screamer.”
The film co-written by Aquaman follows Ariel’s first love, the human known as Prince Eric. After realizing he has made a horrible mistake, he begs Ariel for forgivingness and throws her back into the ocean. Taking a trip to search for the meaning to his life he stumbles upon a nude beach in Mykonos where, fatefully he catches hey eye of Aquaman and his crew of sharp-tongued stingrays. From there it’s an ooey-gooey whirlwind Rom-Com complete with cheeky show tunes and pro-wrestling. That is until Ursula the bitter fag-hagtopus finds out and hunts them down. And of course Ariel’s father King Neptune decides to go all crazy by raising the global water temperatures vowing to crush and boil Aquaman for publically humiliating his family. This film has already garnered several GLADD nominations for Positive Queer Fish Filmmaking for such poignant lines as, “You’ve got me hooked on your chocolate starfish” and “I never really wanted to go down on her caviar”.
In Theatres: 06•06•12
8) Avatar 2: Off Planet with Dora The Explorer
Working the Navi proved difficult in the end for Steven Spielberg. “We have a lot of equipment that use a lot of power, okay. And they kept whining about “carbon foot print this’ and ‘green that’ and ‘conservation this’…until I decided to pack up to find another planet. Well, we came back to Earth and just made it seem like another planet in editing. It’s much cheaper and no one seems to care that we’re destroying it. Totally win-win.”
Making the leap from the small screen to the big screen comes easy for Dora. Though only seven years old she has been acting for over a 20 years! Avatar 2 is a little less edgy and dark, but with Dora you really get to explore the universe in a way only a child could. With lots of questions, travel games, sing-songs and dillidapwohitti drip-drip-drinks. All while being chased by the evil army man, Mr. Meany Viper who wants to strip-mine every planet in the universe. Warning: This film contains brief frontal nudity as Dora goes tribal taking it all off while uttering her catch phrase, “Come on! Vamanos!”
In Theatres: 08•02•12
9) Coraline 2: It’s Raggedy Bitch
Tragedy struck the cast of Coraline when it was discovered, that the star had an unfortunate eating disorder. Though she told everyone she was anorexic (which is very in right now) she was actually bulimic (which is very out right now). With Kraft services costs skyrocketing, the producers were forced to cut off her food supply and cut up her contract. The choice to replace her wasn’t difficult but it was unexpected and came with a few problems. Having never appeared in a single film or TV special without her brother/manager, Raggedy Anne was essentially like a spoiled child on the set. She needed constant supervision for fear that she would cry herself to death by getting herself so wet she couldn’t lift her cloth stuffed head. But when producers agreed to give Raggedy Andy a cameo in the film Anne found her strength to finish the film. Many on the inside believe it was all an act from the very start, orchestrated by her strangely controlling twin brother. “I just find it very odd that they still seep in the same bed,” director Tim Burton said. “They are 35 years old after all.”
In Theatres: 07•22•12
10) Beauty and the Beast 2: Beauty and the Devil
When it came time to renegotiate their contract for the revival of Beauty & The Beast, it seems Beast wanted much too much money. “For the amount of time it took me to get made up like that everyday on set, you would think they would pay me a bit more,” a very angry Beast said in an interview to Hello Magazine. “Do you really think I’m that hairy? It took about four hours everyday to add in the amount of hair they wanted. I’m naturally very hairy, but I wax and trim…and get electrolysis done on my balls. But noooo. They wanted more hair! More hair! Well I just couldn’t go through with all that again. At least without a significant pay increase. And them there’s that Bella bitch! She gets all the best dresses, all the best shoes, all the best lines. What do I get? I get to skulk around like a monkey! I’m a Shakespearian actor for Christ sake!”
Stepping in to fill his rather large shoes is Tasmanian Devil, or Taz to his adoring fans. Have completed many years on WB Saturday morning television he is more than ready to make the jump to the big screen. But is the big screen ready to handle him. “The challenge was that we had to film Taz separately in all of his scenes, in super high-speed film otherwise we couldn’t see what he was doing or what he was saying,” points out director George Lucas. “ Then we would slow it down and splice it together with the rest of the footage. What the audience sees is a very beautiful almost angelic quality and movements to the beast that I don’t think anyone has every seen before.” Expect Taz to be nominated for an Oscar for this role.
In Theatres: 08•03•12
There will be more casualties we are sure. There always are in this cut-throat, erase-body world of ani-film making. But don’t feel too sad-sad cry-cry for their lost roles. Many of these same stars we are sure will go on to bigger and better things, as soon as they pull it together. Getting a new, flattering, butt-kissing illustrator couldn’t hurt either.
(All text and artwork by Rolyn Chambers)
HOW TO REALLY SNEAK INTO FASHION WEEK
Recently a certain weekly Toronto magazine (which we love) published a fashion piece with the mouth-watering title, “How To Sneak into Fashion Week.” The idea that one could creep into a fashion event by “on-trending” yourself is cute but of course is about as on-point as an alcoholic assuming they can just walk out of the LCBO without paying for their bottle of cheap sherry. Plus, if you can afford the $400 pair of shades mentioned in the article then you better bloody well be supporting our struggling fashion industry by buying a ticket (or two).
Besides, the security guards have seen all these faux fashion sneak attacks before. You won’t be fooling any one. Instead, shake things up a bit. You’ve got one day left! Follow the Mean Gayz How To Really Sneak Into Fashion Week Guide and you’ll be guaranteed access faster than an uppity newbie blogger can say, “Gee, these free drinks are really weak.”
1) ALEXANDER WASN’T THE ONLY QUEEN. No one turns away royalty. If you’re going to be dressing your poor sad self up in labels that you know nothing about you might as well just pretend to be something else all together. Pretend you’re in-bred, blue blood, brain dead royalty.
Action Plan: Do a bit of research beforehand. Pick a ruling family that heads some small principality that no one has heard of. To achieve that “Fresh-Off-The-Throne” look go to any costume shop like Malabar. But to achieve a more “Hellio-Hellio-Don’t-Touch-Me-Hellio” glamorous state dinner look, hit up Toronto’s new king of embroidered opulence, Lucian Matis. Practice your mini wave, and never look anyone in the eye. For a more realistic look, hire some bodyguards from Craigslist.
2) EBI (EMERGENCY BOTOX INJECTOR). It’s no surprise (no eyebrows raised); “The Tox” is all over Fashion Week. A prick here, a little plumping there. Pretend to be an official Emergency Botox Injector. You never know when someone will need an emergency touch-up from their front row seat right before the Dare to Wear Show.
Action Plan: Wearing an ultra bleached, ultra starched, ultra crispy Philip Sparks shirt and ultra bleached, ultra starched, ultra tight Philip Sparks slacks enter the tents with a hard cover silver case briefcase. This is your “Tox Kit”. Stock it with realistic looking syringes. Fill the syringes with vodka, rum and tequila to drink later. Practice saying the following: “ We just got a call from 3 of our clients sitting in the front row. Their faces are slipping, fast, and it’s much brighter in there than they expected. Much. We need to get in there stat. Like yesterday. Which our clients wish it was. Actually they wish it were yester-decade. But I’m wasting time with silly jokes when this is actually a serious matter of life and lips.———- What’s that sir? You won’t let me in? I’m sorry sir, do you want to be held responsible for the social suicide of (insert name of local old celeb)’s face? Didn’t think so. Step aside. Watch my briefcase…. It’s titanium.”
3) BLIND YOUR BUSINESS. Blind people always get the right of way. Even in last season’s fashions. So not fair. So…pretend you’re blind. If nosey bitches wonder what you’re doing at a visual fashion show, say to them (while feeling up their face) that the sounds of high heels really turn you on.
Action Plan: Work those custom-made David Dixon shades (the ones that you taped a DD logo to each lens) and custom bedazzled Bustle walking stick (god bless glue guns) and stumbling your way into the tents. Bump into security guard on purpose. Cop a feel if they’re hot. Most FDCC staff won’t stop you but if they do ask to see your pass, tell them it’s around your neck. “What?!?! It’s not?!? Oh. , ma gawd!”
4) A TAPEWORM A DAY WILL KEEP THE TAPE MEASURE AWAY. Totally make security hungry by pretending to be a Tapeworm Delivery Person. It’s the fastest, cheapest way of loosing weight ever! Forever! Your job? To deliver fresh live tape worms to the models backstage and you have to get in real quick like in order to meet your “30 minutes or it’s free because they’re already dead” delivery policy.
Action Plan: Place 2 or 3 small fish into a well-sealed Chinese food takeout out container with water. Hide the fish under long strands of rancid flat egg noodles found in the dumpsters behind any Ginger restaurant. Attach a Tapeworm King nametag to your most flowy, drapey, droopy, waivey, floaty, swishy, hangy, wrappy, saggy, floppy, Ezra Constantine hooded top. Smile and jiggle the takeout container splilling a little of the water onto the security guards. Enter with bows.
5) TERMINATE-HER: You may have heard of the fashion police. Yesterday. Today, pretend you’re an elite member of Style Army. While the Fashion Police issue tickets and fines, you are authorized to kill. With a look. With a remark. With a bullet.
Action Plan: Storm the entrance outfitted in your most fashionable tactical gear, perhaps a Hoax Couture blazer accessorized with an AK 45 rifle. Practice the following in your most aggressive voice: “Please stand down, sir. My intelligence operatives inside have requested back-up. There are far too many people dressed far too pretentiously in far too small a space. In order to reduced the threat of Pretentious- Annihilation I have been specially chosen to take out at least 40% of the Optical Offensives.——-Miss, yes you with the fun fur cheetah coat. I’m going to have to start with you. Its’ time to die.”
And if all these fail, tell them you’re Robin Kay’s wrap fluffer. Bring a big brush and some smelling salts and you’re all set.
Good luck, good riddance and enjoy the drinks!
ACADEMY AWARD CUT UPS
The Academy Awards came and went. See ya bitches! The red carpet, full of gorgeous women in expensive gowns, took our imaginations to places usually only seen after too many Xanax’s. For sure they all looked good on their own, but how great would it have been if we were able to literally cut up these dresses and mush them together? Smush! Mush! Smush! Oh my god, it would be like haute couture for schizophrenics! Let’s start!
Viola Davis and Michelle Williams. Together they form Viola Williams or Violle:
Who doesn’t want to look like a frog in blender? This red and green mash-up pairs a strapless green Vera Wang gown, which features a pleated skirt detail and embroidered neckline with a red silk and organza Louis Vuitton dress with a peplum waist. Is it Christmas?
Gwyneth Paltrow and Jennifer Lopez merge to become Gwyneth Lopez or Gwyniffer:
These actresses wow in a white Tom Ford gown and dramatic floor length cape with curve-hugging, long sleeve Zuhair Murad gown. Werk!
Kirstin Wiig and Jessica Chastain get the gold as Kirstin Chastin or Kirssica:
Looking elegant in a black Alexander McQueen gown with an intricate gold overlay and a flowing chiffon train matched with a nude tulle strapless gown with woven bodice and hand pleated layered skirt by J. Mendel. Let’s melt her down and cash her in.
Tina Fey and Rooney Mara come together in bold contrast to form Tina Mara or Tiara:
Slinking about in a white Givenchy gown these stars turns heads with a plunging neckline and a black strapless custom Carolina Herrera peplum gown. Bar Code Couture!
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie (and her leg) form, what else…Brangelina Pilie:
Combining a Tom Ford tux with an Atelier Versace dress with mega high slit, Hollywood’s power couple prove that women can indeed wear the pants and men can show a bit of leg. And he shaves!
Meryl Streep and Melissa McCarthy become the glittery Meryl McCarthy:
These big gals go bold in a gold Lanvin’s custom-made eco gown (made from eco-certified fabric sourced with help from Livia Firth’s Green Carpet Challenge) combined with a crystal-embellished Marina Rinaldi gown. Mr. Blackwell is blushing.
Remember, the next time someone asks you, “Who are you wearing?”, just start screaming.
Photomanipulation and text by Rolyn Chambers
Original photos snatched from www. intouch.com
Exclusively from Mean Gayz, the creator of such quality toys as the Spidey-Sense Cigarette Dispenser, Trailer-Meth Barbie, and Tickle Me Homo comes Mr. PotatoFag! It’s fun as a tragical toy!
As an educational plaything, Mr. PotatoFag will teach your child how to stereotype with ease and within days their “Meangaydar” will be improved 300%! But don’t worry it’s not all learning! This spunky spud will give your child hours of play a day. Dress it up! Dress it down! Play with its spores! The possibilities are endless. Sort of.
Four exciting models to choose from:
TARGET MARKET TOM
With wads and wads of disposable income, Tommie Boy comes with the finest toy money can buy.
• Yorkville Grecian Formula Deb-Do- Professionally dyed (to hide his rapidly graying hair) and cut by the latest Yorkville superstar stylist. Appreciate that this appointment took 3 months to get!
• Lace-Front Eyebrows- If Beyoncé can do it, so can he!
•Crest White Strips Faux Smile- If he has to pretend to like you, he wants his pearly whites, white.
• 3 Back-up Noses: “Blostache”, perfect for a night of inhaling party favours up his nose. “Munchistache”, to make rimming that much more enjoyable for his partner, “Drunk Rudy Nose”, lets the world know that a cab should indeed be called.
• 2 Tom Ford Dinner Jackets- One in black & white and one in hot pink. They’re loud, in your face and downright fabulous.
• Marc Jacob’s Sunglasses- Shields him from anyone looking him in the eye. For those days that he can’t order them to face the wall as he passes by.
• 2 “Schmancy” Bow-Ties- So fancy he has to tie them himself.
• “Daisy Fresh” Lapel flower- Sniff it! They smell like success…and lube.
• White Prada Leather Shoes- Like veal…for his feet.
• “Oooh Gurl” Dyed Black Ostrich Leather Shoes- They turn heads, even as the poor ostrich buries its head.
Louis Vuitton Shoulder Bag- Carries him from work to play. Stuffed with a Mac laptop, Critical Paths, iPhone, touch-up hair colour, change of underwear, cock-ring, poppers, condoms, lube and Starbucks travel mug.
HOT MESS H&M TWINK
He’s a gem. Out, proud and truly, truly, truly outrageous!
•2 Hair Styles- Both bad home dye jobs. The “Haaaiii” Model is shaved at the sides (because the hair was falling out anyways) while the “Gingerfried” Model only got that colour because he left the dye in too long. And it was in the discount bin.
• “Very Versayse” H&M Versace Jacket - It’s the women’s version, but Hot Mess can make it work. Werk!
• “Ms. Versace, If You’re Nasty” H&M Jacket - Part Michael Jackson, part Janet Jackson, part Cesar Augustus. It’s almost manly like.
• “Pretty In Puke” Versace Pink Suit- Hot mess? Hot pink? Hot combo! Twerk!
• Two Sets of Eyes- “Over-It” for day and “Messy” for night.
• 2 Sets of Noses- “Cute As A Button” is what it looks like now before it gets all big and wide and pocky as it ages. “Brown-Nosey” When H&M Twink needs to suck up to the boss: to get a promotion, a raise or the weekend off.
•Totally Whatever Earring- He got it in high school but still thinks its cool.
• Totally Outrageous Pierced Tongue- It makes giving head a totally outrageous experience
“Laser White Smile”- It glows in the dark, making him easy to find at a club, a back room or a park.
• A set of bight “Ironic” Lenseless Eyeglasses- For those days you want to look like a cute nerd, but don’t wanna always be cleaning them.
• Mega Party Costume Wings- What messy twink hasn’t been a half naked angel at a party? So original!
• 3 pairs of “Lookit Me” Shoes- Bright, and sparkly. For those days when he’s bright and sparkly
• “Tip Toe Through Two Lips” Bare Feet- Because he knows a guy or two who have foot fetishes. And are willing to pay.
He’s not really down with the whole gay scene thing. He’s just like any other straight spud…he just nibbles French Fries instead of fish sticks.
• 2 Hairstyles- “Kinda-Maybe-A-Faux-Hawk” for nights out at super cool parties like Big Primpin’ and Business Women’s Social. “Parkdale Down-Do” for those morning when he’s walking “Marsala”, his pet Cocker Spaniel.
• Blow Hard” Nose- Easily upturned
• NoTeam Ball Cap- it just looks good on it’s head. No need to mess it up with a team logo that they know nothing about.
• “Nah-Nah-Nah” Tongue”- perfect for making fun of those other PotatoGays who have struggled with their sexuality or who have faced discrimination. Boo-hoo them!
• Menchies Yogurt Slurping Tongue- It’s so much fun making his own yogurt creation. And its non-fat! Cause, you know, Po-Mo is starting to pack on the pounds.
• “I Cahnt Ear Yew” Ears- Why listen to anyone’s else when he’s always right?!? His ears may be big, but nothing gets in.
• “Ehduh=MC2”Eyegalsses- Nothing says hot nerd than a selection of thick-rimmed glasses. With lenses!
• “I Ties Myself” Bow-Tie (and back-up ties) - Because he’s fully real, Po-Mo only wears real bow-ties. They take a bit longer to put on but they make him stand out. But not too much.
• “Not Too Skinny” Skinny Jeans- The conservative style that hugs his crotch, but no too much.
•“Throw-back” Earring”- Only worn on weekends…and only on those rare occasions when he visits the gay village.
• “Fight The Flower” Lapel Flower- It’s not a style thing, it symbolizes peace and love. He thinks its very 60s ant-war and such.
• 4 Paris of Shoes- “Festive Two- Steppers”, perfect for hopping back and forth while listening to the latest Adele track in Gladstone Hotel’s Melody Bar. “Weekend Cottage Relaxers”, for those weekends when his parents lend him and his boyfriend of two weeks the northern retreat compound. “University Upsteppers”, will give him something to look at as he roams the halls of York University pondering which protest rally to join. “Spring/Summer/Fall” Sandals, because he really loves showing off his pedicure. Everyday.
BIG BEAR BOB
A year round furry fellow who is proud of his girth and knows his worth.
• Grizzly Grrr Do Hair- Just like the Yorkville Grecian Formula Deb-Do, the Gingerfried and the Parkdale Down Do…but with less product.
• Bushybrows- no plucking (or tucking) for this spud. He keeps it real.
• Kermode Black Bear Beard- Protects against the cold and hides stretch marks.
• “ButtSniff” Nose- He’s an all-natural root who prefers his man unscented and manly.
• “Manlystache”- Sometimes he just wants a little less stuff going on, on his face. Sometimes his lover has rug burn, on his face.
• “Honey Luvin’” Smile- An honest trustworthy smile. May have leg-of-twink stuck in it at times.
• “Lucky Levi’s” Denim Overalls- They’re lucky when he doesn’t wear a shirt or undies under them
• Plaid Shirt- The real plaid from Marks Work Warehouse. Not that trendy Po-Mo shit from some overpriced hipster shop along Queen West.
• Military Party Outfit- You know Big Bob likes a big party! Military Party, Leather Party, Uniform Party, he’s there! Especially when there is a buffet!
• “Hoseoff” Fireman Uniform Fetish Party Gear- ^See above^
• Blue Jays Gays For Jays” Cheering Outfit & “Beatit” Baseball Bat- He love his sports like the next guy except he actually wears a jock strap under his outfit when he goes to the games. OK, he wears a jock strap all the time. For weeks at a time.
• Cocky Construction Hat & Kodiak Boots- unlike the Village People and Adam Lambert he actually has a well paying construction job. Instead of catcalls, he gives women fashion advice as they pass.
• “Hairy HeMan” Chest- Like a portable rug, that you can pinch and lick. Dental floss is not included.
• Electrala-What?” Hairy Arms. The more fur, the more grrrr.
• Self-Pleasure Hand- Like most men, he prefers to Bob to watch TV in his skivvies with pone hand holding his junk. So why not take it a step further. Never touch his remote!
• “Stompin’” Shoes- Great for gently kicking poodles.
Available where all ridiculously stereotypical toys are sold. And 7/11.
©Rolyn Chambers, 2012
How To Satisfy Your Mean Gay
Not everyone is a skilled lover, like us. Putting it in and wigging it around a bit doesn’t really cut it with us. Nor does laying there and taking it. The act of sex sometimes requires direction, instruction and education.
So before you bed your partner, longtime lover or random trick, take a minute to look over the above chart and read through these helpful Mean Gayz hints.
LETS BEGIN AT THE TOP
EYES: Provide an erotic strip tease for your Mean Gay. If this fails to entice or arouse, pop in a Margaret Atwood porno. No one gives you wood faster than Atwood.
MOUTH: Insert your penis in here. Gargle with much mouthwash after.
CHIN: Nibble it like it’s a piece of cheese. No, sorry, gerbiling is most likely not appreciated.
SHOULDERS: Hold down while inserting penis in his mouth or ass. A nice massage of this area would create a bizarro happy ending.
NIPPLES: Suck them like a greedy, naughty child. Biting is good.
NAVEL: Use like a teacup to hold warm expelled semen.
HIPS: Grasp greedily while receiving penis in mouth.
PENIS: Put in mouth. Do not gag or bite. If mouth is sore take a break and whittle. A wooden flute is quite easy.
RECTUM: With sheathed penis, penetrate with a mighty force.
FINGERS: Insert up rectum. Use quality lube…or back bacon grease.
KNEES: Equip with kneepads and say a prayer. Madonna is a pro.
THIGHS: Grasp firmly. Raise above head. Spread wide. Plow.
TOES: Tease with tongue. Do sniff test first.
Before the Big Bang, there was no space or time. Today, time is an important measure of our daily lives, and for many, the smart-phone is our modern day timekeeper. But before the advent of this multifunctional gadget, the watch was the chosen mode. To Mean Gayz, watches are like jewelry for men. They say much about us and remain the big bang silently measuring time on our wrists.
A watch also adds a finishing touch to an outfit that a tiara really can’t. Some say they are old school. Time is told these days through multifunctional smart-phones. But while the latest, most expensive smart phones will elevate you above the masses in some aspects, a watch is much more personal. From old school mechanical timepieces that romantically click, click, click the day away to more modern silent digital devices that display the time of day in a variety of creative ways, a watch can be as individual as you are, at any given moment.
A watch can also be in investment piece; some on the market cost thousands, some tens of thousands of dollars. But they can also be inexpensive accessories to match your fox-hunting outfit. Either way, we suggest having a variety onhand; high-end, low-end, and some in between. Alternate them often, like your underwear or your lovers. Using one too often will just wear it out.
A wrist without a watch is like a man without a credit card. It does the job in the bedroom, but you need something more on your arm when you attend that TIFF film festival party.
Meangayz was recently invited to the Interior Design Show. As well as scoping out some of the terrific new products and designs on the market we also, of course, cruised men…and their watches. We were pleasantly surprised that, at the opening night party at least, a few men are holding on to the tradition of watch wearing. With the constant invention of more modern, futuristic pieces, we feel they are making a comeback. Smart phones be damned. These are some of the brands that made people tick. They talked.
“The Gift That Keeps on Taking!”
The other day we were floating past Luis Vitton when some street person in last season’s colour palate atrociously accosted us. It was quite a horrendous experience that scarred our eyes and ruined our nostrils for at least an hour after. Smelling of pee, desperation and Aqua Velva, he did. It was a horrid experience. Horrid. Being down and out today is not a glamorous experience. Most who are, simply sit on the street like sacks of sweet potato fries begging for money. Some even get bold and disrupt your dining experience at Buca while others try and wash the window of your Bentley with dirty water (and actually expect you to pay for the displeasure.) Still others invade the common man as they ride the subway to and from their dreary jobs with pleas of, “Spare some change, I’m hungry.” Oh boo hoo. Some rubbies pretend to be deaf or blind (the most certainly are dumb) and hand out hand written notes with similar sad messages. Like we would even read a note that wasn’t on monogrammed stationary. Really.
Now, its very important to remember the differences between hobos tramps and bums: hobos’ are people who travel and look for work, tramps are people who travel and don’t look for work, and bums are people who neither travel nor look for work. We have a problem with all three of these horrid labels because they are true and are attached to three types of people who we have problems with. But mostly we have a problem with hobos. What happened to the golden days of being a hobo? When those without money or means would pack up their belongings in a handkerchief, tie it to a stick and hop on a cross-country cargo train to seek and adventure and fortune in some far off small town or prairie province? No, now they push about shopping carts overflowing with their pathetic parts of their yucky lives. Bottles and cans that they’ve collected (stolen) from houses, bags and bags of plastic bags (as if that makes any sense), old musty books (for which they pretend to read), dirty discarded clothing (soaked with dog urine), and rats looking for a free ride. Not only is this a stench-box on wheels, but it also takes up way too much room on the sidewalk.
Shopping cart mobile homes also mean the poor can’t travel. How are they supposed to sneak onto a moving cattle car while pushing one of these cumbersome contraptions? Down size hobo, downsize! Do they really need all of that? No. No. And no. If you can’t fit all your belongings in a handkerchief you really shouldn’t be living on the street. Sorry that sleeping bag strategically placed above that warm smelly sidewalk vent is not a bedroom. That cardboard box erected in that vomit-ridden alley is not a house. Get it together. Start acting like a hobo of old. Start being adventurous. Don’t limit yourself to just one city, one state or one province. Ride the rails like your brethren of old. But first you’ll need to get yourself a bindle. Bindles, in case you don’t have a copy of the Hobo Handbook (which is any wall of any low-rent public bathroom stall), is simply a handkerchief or scarf filled with your belongings and tied to a stick.
To help those unfortunate souls out, we, Mean Gayz have created personalized glamorous Booyah Bindles to choose from. All Booyah Bindles come with a stylish scarf, handsome walking stick and are filled with everything the well-to-do hobo would need for a life of travel and leisure—-even a weapon! But Mr. Bum better start saving up his beggings. Though these aren’t cheap, they will make any hobo the envy of the homeless. They might even get rolled for it. Exciting!
For those of us who are not poor street dwellers, and train raiding hobos these are also the perfect Christmas present. They really are “the gift that keeps on taking.” ™
Packages start at $6200 and go all the way up to $4 million. Choose from:
1) Homeless Hermes ($48 200)
Hermes scarf- $650, kinky slinky Dino undies $63, LV leather shoes- $1070, Lucius Malfoy snake cane from Harry Potter- $190, Sapphire knife- $165, lipstick knife- $7, Tabaldi pen- $45 000, novelty Hobo soup- $8, Diva Vodka (with semi precious stones)- $1060
2) Broke Broke Kanye ($256 350)
M/M scarf designed by Kanye West-$730, Smuggling Duds boxer briefs-$36, Gents Melbourne Derby Cane-$180, gold & diamond encrusted Moet & Chandon champagne sleeve & champagne-$745, limited edition mega Swiss Army Knife-$1600, Paiter nose hair trimmer-$65, Rutt Wipe toilet paper (choice of colours)-$8, one of a kind diamond-studded Umbra shoes-$218 000, gold and diamond Omas fountain pen-$ 35 000
3) Penniless Prada ($2 035 200)
Prada scarf- $670, World War 2 sword cane- $196, limited edition gold leif Nikes with 7.5-carat diamond insets-$7 750, Core Point golden undies-$65, GMC gold leif toilet paper-$455, Henri IV Dudogon Heritage Cognac-$2 million, Covert Key Knife-$35, Gia Omas fountain pen-$26 000,
4) Chanel Cheapskate ($3 958 700)
Chanel scarf-$775, Old English Walking Stick-$117, D&G Hobo Hat- $78, Fantastic Man mesh undies-$93, Matisse inspired plush toilet paper-$7 a roll, diamond encrusted platinum Swiss Army Knife -$1500, Solid Silver Razor- $110, Mystery Masterpiece jewel encrusted pen- $256 000, Billionaire Vodka covered in white fur and 3000 white diamonds- $3.7 million,
5) Down&Out Dior ($6 200)
Christian Dior scarf-$690, Gandalf’s staff from Lord Of The Rings- $350, Fantastic Man mesh undershirt- $-110, scorpion wrist knife- $65, Artisan toilet paper- $8/roll, Iordanov Swarovski studded vodka- $4150, limited edition BrewDog End Of History beer (stuffed inside a dead taxidermy squirrel)- $-785,
6) Wino Moschino ($10 800)
Moschino scarf- $320, silver & pine Dandy Cane- $340, San Francisco Panama hobo hat- $225, Stefan Bremer shoes- $2000, Core Point Bulls-eye undies- $37, Slate chainsaw- $1600, Oval diamond encrusted vodka- $6000, Vertigo Bird Jinn portable light- $260
7) Hobo Hardy ($7 900)
Ed Hardy scarf- $55, Novelty Hobo Hat $15, Ed Hardy undies- $44, Free-Ride Pen by Jean Pierre-Lepine- $220, Limited edition hand painted Star Trek wine glass- $44/4, Marble Globe Walking Stick- $130, shot casing pocket knife- $25, limited edition Belvedere Bear Vodka- $7420, Ape Toilet Paper- $9
But why stop with just a designer Booyah Bindle?! Along with our decadent bindles, you can also purchase the Mean Gays Hobo Travel Experience. For just $12 000 extra, you can enjoy a cross-country, dirt-poor train-travel adventure. Each package purchased allows you and a guest to “run at high speeds and precariously jump on one of two designated Hobo Trains as station staff scream obscenities at you while throwing small rocks and fluffy kittens in your direction.” Amazing right?!?! Once on the cattle train, discover realistic smells of real cows and their freshly ejected poop. Enticing for sure. But there’s more! Each train is equipped with non-working lights, slatted walls to allow in cold air, bugs and Evian water droplets. Your section of the cattle car includes access to a porcelain bucket for you to do your business, a working hose to wash up, and old hardly used Toronto Sun newspapers to dry you hands, dry your face, wipe your butt and use as insulation for your shoes. Socks are not allowed. Feeling peckish? Your cabin crew (dressed in Tom Ford designer burlap coffee sacks) are on hand to serve you cold scraps found in the dumpsters of Sotto Sotto, Bymark, Rosewater, Lee and The Gardiner Café accompanied by cooking sherry (served in empty bedazzled Chanel soup cans) and a heart warming after dinner snifter of rubbing alcohol. Need a rest? Enjoy a super comfy seat created from the finest of imported, lightly damp, horse grazed, Norwegian hay simply plopped down the floor. Sounds too good we know, but wait, there’s still more! Create a trip that is uniquely you! Get on and off in any city or small town you want: the trip is good for 12 stops within 3 months. It’s the perfect getaway from the everyday grind of making money and stepping on people as you climb that corporate ladder. Imagine, now you too can be spit on and ran away from by people as they look down on your with distain and upheld noses. Truly an experience of a lifetime.
All packages are sold everyday from 2PM until 6PM in the alley behind Holt Renfrew, beside the second pile of puke on the left. Follow your nose. Mind your wallet.
Article and artwork by
Winter Underwear. A Great Stocking Stuffer!
Winter is coming. Bundle up bitches! Although we usually spend our winters in warmer climates with cooler people, on occasion it is fashionable to spend some weeks (hours) freezing our asses off in our home and native land. Canada. Besides, the cold can be tamed easily with a bottle of the finest scotch. It is while sipping this warm brown liquid (okay so we use funnels) that we began thinking. Seriously, right?!?! Perhaps, since we are in the cold anyways, we should take up a winter sport of some sort. Mother said licking icicles from our bedroom window didn’t count. So, skiing, we decide would be the sport most suited to us. From what we gather (while looking at pictures in Sports Illustrated), it’s a wonderful way to while away the hours, lose weight and get some fresh air. Plus it gets your blood racing faster than you staring at us as we walk buy you in the lodge. Ski lodges too are the perfect place to pick up guys. Like yum! Bum! Men usually out number women three to one here. Which means, two of those guys are gonna have frozen popsicles in need of warmth and if you’re gorgeous like us, you can be sure that one of those guys is gonna wanna take your ski pole for a test ride down their mountain slope. Swoosh! Goosh!
This of course means we need to go shopping! For new ski clothes of course. Holla Dolla! While clicking through our favourite online shopping site (we only shop in person in warm weather) we somehow stumble upon (totally by accident, serious) another type of wonderful retailer , an underwear company called ES (http://www.escollection.es/web/). ES have decided, for some strange reason (like Cady strange)that one of the best times to market underwear and swimwear hardcore is in the winter. Well, we do wear underwear year round so why not? Undies also make great Christmas socking stuffers, so maybe they are on to something. Plus, it is summer somewhere right? Especially in Barcelona where this five year old company is based.
Finishing off the bottle of scotch we switch to rum soaked hot chocolate as we take in the eye candy displayed before us. Their website is fully gay. And fully fetch. Fully. Homoerotic is an understatement. It’s the only statement. Like this statement; “Hello…we only sell underwear to gay men. Gay men with gym bodies and chiseled features. You can buy them too if you want. Yay gay!” Done. First thing we notice is that we have no idea what the initials ES stand for. We search the site, high and low, and only find crotch. Balls! Giving up we decide to make up our own brand names. Take your pick»> Excitingly Sexy, Enormous Sucking, Engorged Sack, Eeek Smegma, Enjoy Supper, Extra Special, Euw Snaps, Extra Saucy, Enormous Sausage, Epic Shaft or Emo Shank. Either way, we’ve trademarked them all.
The ads are shot in the Pyreneese Mountains between the borders of France and Spain in a small nation called Andorra. Like, it’s so small our jet can’t even land there. Fer, reals! Company owner Eduardo Suñer, a passionate sportsman, once said: ““Sport, mountains, positive attitude, healthy life and green environment. A love for Mother Nature, that is what we wanted to say with this campaign and with our new products.” Actually no…what this ad campaign REALLY says is, “Holy fuck look at the bodies on these guys and why aren’t some of them even wearing clothes? Seriously!” Seriously?
Most underwear and swimwear ads come out in the spring and summer for a reason. It’s a time of year when most of us are used to seeing buff half naked yummies hopping about like wild grasshoppers in heat shoving their big (most likely grass-stained) baskets in our face. We ain’t complaining. But placing an underwear ad shot in the outdoors, during the frigid winter months is perhaps great marketing. Less competition is one thing on their side. The other is, the element of surprise. It’s like shooting an ad for a designer gown…underwater. It makes little sense but it sticks in your mind (and perhaps will make you wet). You know what else will stick in our mind? BASKETS!
Have you also ever noticed that the bigger the basket displayed in ads for underwear or swimwear, the more we want to buy said pair of underwear or swimwear? It’s like if we buy them, our own package will look exactly like the ones on the glossy (perhaps now sticky) pages GQ…or fab magazine. Or that perhaps we’ll even look exactly like these MEN in these ads? Well, sweets, we know WE look like these men in these ads…you on the other hand, may not be so fetch.
Let’s get it straight. A sexy pair of underwear will NOT make your member grow. Especially in winter. If you got a small willy, it will not fill out these skimpy pieces of spandex-laced cotton in the manner displayed. If you have a potbelly they will NOT hold your gut in and magically give you a six-pack. If you are overly hairy like Ron Jeremy they will not provide magical electrolysis to make your beaver-back smooth like a swimmer. If you got an ass flatter than Sarah Jessica Parker, they will not suddenly plump them up to JLO status. In short, though sexy, underwear will NOT make you look better than you already are. In some cases they might expose you for the fat, lazy, outta shape slob you are. Tragic, we know. Please don’t be fooled.
In the end, we each end up buying about 25 pairs each. We couldn’t resist. Or maybe it was the scotch. Besides it’s on daddy’s credit card. Speaking of money and finance and all things boring, have you ever heard of the Men’s Underwear Index? Well, sit down, grab a bevy and let us tell you about it. The Men’s Underwear Index (or MUI) is an unconventional measure of how well the economy is doing based on sales of men’s underwear. This measure assumes that men view underwear as a necessity (not a luxury item), so sales of this product should be steady - except during severe economic downturns (flaccid), when men will wait longer to buy new underwear. The notable decrease in underwear sales is said to reflect the poor overall state of the economy. So, when underwear sales pick up (erect), the economy is considered to be improving. Former FED Chairman Alan Greenspan subscribes to this theory, but its critics say it may not be accurate because women purchase a significant amount of underwear for men. Other critics argue that men do not buy new underwear until it’s threadbare, regardless of how well the economy is doing. We follow this philosophy somewhat. But we believe it only applies to straight men. Gay men just throw a wrench in the figures. Seriously. If we looked only at gay men, you would think the economy was always doing great. Take a peek inside the underwear drawer of almost any gay men and you’ll find at least 30 pairs of underwear, almost all of them different. We of course have underwear walk-in closets. If you look in a straight man’s underwear drawer you’ll most likely find only about 10 pairs…all the same. And all boring as hell.
After our purchases today, the MUI would most likely skyrocket indicating that we single handedly paid off the US Chinese debt and brought about a small period of 1980s style decadence complete with big hair, big shoulder pads, movies starring Tom Cruise in tighty-whities and mounds of cocaine high enough to ski off of.
ES Collection, see you on the slopes…you can fully sit with us.
Above images of the property of ES Collection. The witty captions are our own.
Do you know who we are? Who are you? No, really! Last names are very important. They tell the world who you are and where you came from. Some last names are of historic importance. Some denote class and status. Some warn others of your unwant or reputation or your place or station in society. Some have the same last names as others. But this of course does not mean that they know one another, are related, or similar in any way. Having the same last name also does not mean that they would even run in the same circles or would ever even be seen in the same room with one another. We, for instance, are very particular about the last names we associate with.
Torontonians, however, have the poor unfortunate task of managing a very backward mayor by the name of Rob Ford. The other day a friend of ours mistakenly referred to this monstrosity of a human being as Tom Ford. We died. No! Actually we threw up the nicoise salad we had for lunch. And then we passed out.
“Noooooooo!” we squealed in obese agony. How could he mistake these two people? “Tom Ford is NOT Rob Ford we corrected!” The latter is an international designer who has gone on to become a celebrated director. The former is a national buffoon that somehow became mayor and has gone on to become an international joke. The two most likely have no blood connection (god we hope not), and most certainly would never attend the same events. We of course would be sharing giggles and champagne with Tommy boy. Robbie…not so much.
Above are some flyers we’ve created depicting who else Rob Ford is not. Please use them incase you get confused. Just print them out, and carry them with you. If and when you run into Rob Ford (he might run you down with his car or he may mistakenly try and eat you), simply hold up the flyers next to his face and… voila! Never be confused again!
Robbie you are so not fetch… and no…you can’t sit with us!